Dec 19, 2009
today is a screwed up day. and it definitely is a fucked up anniversary. a fucked up 1 year anniversary with girlfriend. i was looking forward to this date a lot and tried to plan some surprises despite being so busy with work. End state, it's just a very disappointing day...
it all started to go wrong when the stupid florist delivery man sent the flowers to my house when i already made a request not to but instead give me a call and i will pick it up from the lift. coz i wanted to keep it in the boot of my car and surprise girlfriend later. and to omit that possibility of screw up, i called home to tell my mum to pick up the flowers for me if the delivery man reaches early and keep quiet about it. obviously it's meant to be a secret but clever mum left the flowers in the living room. thus when girlfriend and i got home from my workplace, the bunch of flowers was staring in her face. not my mum's fault... but i was annoyed. so there goes my no. 1 surprise attempt. to add on to that, girlfriend looked through my computer and got to know that i'm bringing her to either white rabbits or jewel box for dinner. my plan was for her to pick 1 of the 2 envelopes i prepared in hand and what's inside will be the location for dinner. i actually designed the so called card inside to make it look nice. but it was no surprise already since she already know. it's okay... we still went ahead for the dinner at white rabbits. on our way there in the car, she asked if i want to go clubbing later when she was the one who told me nate said that no one clubs on their anniversary... and she will slap her boyfriend if he gives such a suggestion. so at some point in time i had this feeling that girlfriend dressed up so nicely not solely because of today... but partly due to the possibility of clubbing later. halfway through the dinner... she said zhiwen always give problems saying no to club. so i defended him by saying that it's not that he say no often... but you girls want to go too often. the more times you ask... naturally the more nos you get. on average they still go like fortnightly... which is quite alot to me. then girlfriend commented "aiyah being single is the best!" hello miss... today is our anniversary you know? why are you making such a comment? it pisses me off giving me signals that this day... this date... doesn't seem important or special to you. but it is to me okay? i see it as a day of important significance and special memories. so my face was black... totally. she didn't respect me... nor our relationship. end up we quarreled. she said fine since i want to pick up a fight just for defending zhiwen. but she didn't realise what's the cause of it. so for the rest of the dinner it was a long moment of awkward silence. i did try on 2 occasions to speak to her... to break the ice... but she ignored me. there and then i just want to finish the dinner and get the hell out of there. once the dinner ended we left for a smoke outside. when we smoked... i faced her wanting a chance to talk it out and make things better. but what she did was to turn her back towards me and nothing else. the last straw was when i asked her in the car where are we going thinking that we are still meeting nate and zhiwen for movie. but her reply was a cold "home". alright blew it. fuck it. let's go home. tell me how is this 18th of december a sweet and lovely one. do you even bother to try and make things work? do you even take this seriously as an important and special day for us? i know you may or may not have done something... but i did try my best to make it a memorable one with small surprises. however it's not appreciated....
if... if you really truly feels that being single is the best and that's what you want... let me know and i'll respect your decision. not because of any other reasons... but because perhaps it's time to let you do want you want... and what you want isn't me...................
i'm really sad and heartbroken that this important date has to turn out like that... i really am looking forward to it... but it's all my own wishful thinking... i didn't even have the chance to give you your present... haiz... screw this day... i hate anniversaries...
Posted at 01:59 am by Kevin87
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Oct 9, 2009
it has been almost a week since i came back from Perth. i love life in singapore... but it wasn't as colourful as i thought it would be. spent most of my time with girlfriend and family. haven't met up with my buddies yet until tomorrow i guess. going out for basketball...
throughout this week... somehow i feel there are stuffs between me and girlfriend. i've been trying hard. but perhaps it wasn't good enough for you. i got to know your friends who i used to detest... but knowing OCS and kiddo are enough. they are nice people i must say... but two is more than enough. i'm not a saint. i'm still angry with that group for certain stuffs although the main culprit is still you. it's just that i can't make myself to blame you enough for it so some of the blame goes to them. it's just like smoking. i truly truly hate the fact that you smoke but you still do. and you left me with no choice but to agree that you'll quit slowly. however in the first place i didn't want you to be addicted to it that's why i kept insisting that you do not smoke when you are with your friends. and what did you do? you lied. you actually lied to me!!! sigh... when i really believe in you when you said you don't smoke... think about it. i don't even really clean up my own room... but i helped to clean yours. why is it so. that's because i want it to be good for you. living in that kind of condition... is it going to help you in your skin problems? and i want you to love going home more... i do it because i care. not because i'm nosy and have nothing better to do. and now i know that you do feel irritated coz we are like spending too much time together. i can tell you when work starts... we are going to see each other way lesser. and you were the one who said you'll give me all your time when i'm back... although i'm not expecting that. if you really feel that you need more of your own time... so be it. i'm okay with it. really. i'm used to it anyway. and you don't know how much you just hurt me. after a long night with an hour of sleep, sending your best friend to airport, you home to sleep, and then myself off to office to settle some stuffs... you said i poke too much into your business after you woke up. you said "san feng ni ye yao guan, bi zi po pi ni ye yao guan, wo zi ji de bi zi po pi wo zi ji hui dong la! ni guan guan guan wo hen xing ku!" that sucks. seriously. it hurts. why can you say something like that that hurt your boyfriend feelings?... so i was wrong showing you my care and concern... so i was wrong to dote on you... and so... i'm wrong... i should stop...
maybe you are right... i should start minding my own business... i shldn't make you clean your room... shldn't make you study... shldn't make you quit smoking... shldn't make you drink water... shldn't make you eat your medicine on time... shldn't keep stopping you from scratching yourself... shldn't make you sleep earlier... shldn't... shldn't... shldn't... too many other shldn't...
and i realised... whenever they said something random or no link... it amuses or entertains you. but when it comes from me... it becomes lame or idiotic to you sometimes. perhaps our frequency for sense of humour doesn't connect. so i guess i shldn't even try to talk so much next time..............
i seem happy... but i seem not... i'm at a loss of words...... fortunately at least i know i love you still... and so do you...
Posted at 02:13 pm by Kevin87
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Sep 30, 2009
streaming results are out and i'm going to RWC as expected. our course Mr Shit Hot is going to transport instead of edwin. edwin must be disappointed but in my opinion i guess simeon deserves it slightly more? i'm doing my BHT tomorrow!!! hope to go back on friday man although saturday seems to be more likely.
can't wait!!! :D
Posted at 06:05 pm by Kevin87
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Sep 14, 2009
external streaming is tomorrow but after the internal streaming most of the guys more or less roughly know where they are going. as for me, i'm going to RWC, Rotary Wings Course. quite disappointed because transport has always been my dreams. i always love fixed wing and i actually do feel sad when the thought of not flying a fixed wing aircraft anymore flashes my mind. now i regret putting in effort and didn't manage to get lower scores. the rumour is true after all. the last in the course gets the transport slot. in addition, the one who is going is edwin. he is my good friend so in some sense i am happy for him. however, in my eyes he isn't the most ideal choice because of quite a few reasons. well, he isn't that type who is hardworking and puts in effort for flight preparation. most of the time he just leech on us to get information and materials to get through in his flying. for example today, he's a bit heck care with the navigation simulator which is supposedly his bread and butter in the future, that he end up taking someone else's map and smoke through. not a very good attitude in work but of course we are willing to help him as he is our friend. there are many similar occasions that don't have to be mentioned. and as everyone know, he is quite a loud guy. so sometimes he does not know when is the right time to tone down and end up making things awkward for himself without he realising. to us it may be funny coz we'll just go like "what else? it is edwin -.-"... while sometimes others may find it a bit stupid or offending. he has to learn the skill of carrying himself better at the right time i guess.
hmm... i admit i'm jealous that he got to go transport despite his lazyness and "uninterested" attitude. but i guess i got to be happy coz my good friend dreams came true. all the best then! i shall just try my best in RWC. hopefully can get to fly apache or chinook in the future. no super puma please... haha. my goal is to be the top in RWC!!! :)
Posted at 10:33 pm by Kevin87
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Sep 1, 2009
in the end i still talk to girlfriend although i felt that i do not know what to say to her anymore. tossing in the bed for hours yet not falling asleep sucks. and i was very distracted by the MSN whenever there is some activity... thinking if it might be her.
i told her everything that went through my mind at that point of time... and my feelings. all i want now is... i want my gf back. the old gf who at least i know loves me... she makes me feel it... and i miss her alot alot... i used to think that she is the best gf i can have... and i want to think like that again. i thought perhaps i'm a lousy bf... but you said you were the lousy gf. however... when i lay on my bed looking at the polariod pictures we took together which you told me at the airport that they should be sufficient to last me for 9 months... each and every single picture paints out the good old memories i had with you... and it feels very very loved. perhaps it is now the 10th month... that the pictures expired. yet from them i can vividly remember how sweet things felt... all that you have done for me previously... like you getting me dinner after a tiring day at work... clearing up the mess i made... make me my tea for me to study... and my massage when i'm shag. all these i take it to my heart... and not for granted. tell me how can i not love a sweet girlfriend like this who i have... or rather... had........
i guess all i can find comfort in now is... that you said meanwhile you will try your best to find your old self back... find me back the girlfriend i love a lot... and that you are definitely not leaving me. although you don't know what's wrong with you to have make you change so much... you still want to try prove to me by your actions by trying to be more disciplined and stay at home as much as possible. i know you don't dare to promise me anything because you are afraid and do not wish to disappoint nor hurt me badly again... but if i can't find her back again... i'll still be hurt and upset. coz what i want isn't the promises... what i want is her... is you......
i feel helpless and useless that i can't figure out for you what's wrong with you... and what can we do about it. i only know now that your social life seems very important to you... and probably more important than me to you. but you know i've never asked you to give up your life and your likes for me. all i've been asking was for you to moderate them. you said you know you have changed... a lot a lot... maybe because you got all the freedom to do whatever you want. so please... change back dear... change back......... if you agree and think that things will be fine once i'm back coz at least i'm around you... all i'm asking for is 3 more weeks. i just need you to endure for another 3 weeks... let us be able to be still together after this 3 weeks and things will be fine. Keep yourself busy with school work instead since tests are coming... give me more of your love... and just minimise the rest as much as you can. moderate them. it's just another short 3 weeks dear... after going through so much together.............
sigh... i really hope you'll be able to find your 3 months ago self back... and things will be fine again. how i wish i am going back tomorrow. i'm getting frustrated with all the bad weather and planning over here. maybe coz i wanted to get back badly..... hopefully the planners will start pushing us real bad and get me back by the 18th. and dear... it's not true that you don't deserve me at all.... not true..................... :(
i love you... still...........
Posted at 11:57 am by Kevin87
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i can't sleep... for the 3rd night... i don't know what to do... i don't know what i should do... i don't know... i don't know........
i don't know you...........
Posted at 02:20 am by Kevin87
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Aug 30, 2009
"can you dun be mad at me right now?"
what were you doing when i'm mad? you were clubbing happily. what were you doing when i'm upset? you were having fun. what were you doing when i'm worried? you were sleeping. what were you doing when i need you? you were no where......
i know you are that kind who will get so affected losing things precious to you... even more affected than if i were to be angry with you. which was just proven. and that's why i didn't want to leave you by yourself at the moment. i know it sucks when you need that someone to be there but there's no one... i know...
but there's only so much i can do for you now... which is to get you the iphone. other than that i don't wish to interfere in anything or i may end up scolding you first.
only slept at 8+am... with 30 over 40 calls that didn't go through... what a joke... whatever man..................
Posted at 11:17 am by Kevin87
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wtf........... i'm not hearing anything and it's already 7am... fuck.
Posted at 07:02 am by Kevin87
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after all these... only now do i realise clubbing is still more important than me afterall. despite me saying no... you still went. so much of you saying all those things when we were on the verge of breaking up. you'll go home early everyday... you'll not club anymore... you do whatever i want you to do... bullshit. it's nowhere near. yes i wanted you to be happy... i don't want to control you... but all these is... too much. this week Monday to Wednesday you stayed out till 1+am... Thursday 3+am... last night you didn't even go home... and now.........................
it feels like you ask me if you can go for the sake of asking... you were already preparing... dressing up... regardless of what my answer is. you feel that you can just get your way through by hitting on my soft spots. you think that at the end of the day you'll be able to pacify me easily. you think that............ sigh whatever... you think...............
i give up already... gave up... do whatever you want...
yah... you are trying... trying........ stupid of me to take that....
to think i really thought that when i say no you'll respect my decision and not go clubbing... to think i believe in you that you'll really choose me over clubbing... to think that i thought you did learn from previous experience on who or what is more important to you... to think............ to think............
i'm so disappointed.............................. totally...........
Posted at 02:43 am by Kevin87
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Aug 29, 2009
i know you don't like to stay at home. i know you like to be out with your friends. all i'm hoping is that there is a better balance between all of these. perhaps your definition to mine is different. just try to not go out every single day or be out till like 2 3am in the morning. moderate them. your boyfriend misses you too and wants to spend some quality time with you. you have no idea how happy he was the days when you actually said you were on your way home after school. however when he was finally back in his bunk after work you decided to go out for a supper with your buddies. the amount of disappointment that filled him... you won't want to know man. and those days you said we'll talk again tomorrow but... the tomorrow didn't come. sigh~...
now... honestly i don't like you to go clubbing at all already. although you promise me... and as much as i wan to believe in you which i do... i just don't feel comfortable about it myself. it's really like having repetitions of unwanted reminiscence which sucks. maybe i'm lousy... i need more time for myself on that.
i know you are trying already... so please continue and try harder. show that your love for your boyfriend is strong enough to aid you in it. sacrifice a little more for him please. coz... he loves you lots too.................
Posted at 05:48 am by Kevin87
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